Avengers, assembled!

So the kids dragged me out to see some action flick last night. Can't remember the title, something about vengeance or some such nonsense.

Anyway, there's this one dude with a patch over one eye. I think it's Mace Windu, obviously having survived his battle with the Emperor at the expense of an eye. He's all tough and calling the shots, but he's got this problem with a glowing Rubix cube--and who wouldn't? If it's all one color, how can you solve the problem--and then this creepy guy with a mean stick shows up and takes it and all hell breaks loose.

And there's also this impossibly hot chick who likes to wear really tight clothes, but she kicks ass like Jason Statham on steroids. And she's got better hair. They call her Black Widow, which really didn't make sense to me because she's not black, she's not a spider, and I don't think she's ever been married. If she had been married, though, she probably very well would have been something like a black widow because she seems to wreak a lot of havoc wherever she goes.

Another guy has obviously traveled in time from the 1980s where he was the lead for a heavy metal band. He's still got the long hair and red cape, but he's replaced the electric guitar with a hammer. An odd choice if you ask me, but what the hey. He talks kind of funny too, which is how you know he's from the distant past.

One guy is an archer, so he must be from the past, too, but he actually looks like maybe he could have been in Deliverance. His bow is kind of cool. With a flick of his wrist he can make it telescope to full size, and he's got all kinds of tech to shoot arrows that blow things up or microwave full course meals in minutes. He and the hot red-haired chick have something going on. It's one of those love-hate things, I guess. I have a love-hate thing with her too: I hate it that she doesn't love me.

But I digress.

The archer has some good tech, but the Excalibur reject with the red armor has got the best. He's obviously a knight because he wears full plate armor, but he's also schizo because he's always talking to this guy in his head. At least the voice is very prim and proper and all and not telling him to go on a killing spree or something. The Templar definitely took care of this guy because he's loaded--in more ways than one because he also drinks a lot. He's a little arrogant and full of himself, so nobody likes him except his girlfriend Pepper, who is occasionaly as spicy as her name.

Then there's the guy who thinks he's Uncle Sam and was apparently frozen for along time. He walks around with a shiny trash can lid that's apparently bullet proof, magic proof and as aerodynamic as a Frisbee. The shield gets scratched up a lot, so I'm sure he keeps the Krylon people in business. He's kind of bossy, too, but I guess if you've been on ice for decades, you have a lot of time to work on your leadership skills.

Finally, there's this mild-mannered genius-doctor-physicist type. It's not really clear what his specialty is because he gives medical help to poor people but also throws around physics jargon in casual breakfast conversation. He's a really nice guy, so I couldn't figure out why everyone kept talking about his anger issues until all of a sudden he turned into a giant green monster with a penchant for breaking, like, everything. They called him "Banner," but I'm pretty sure that's a pseudonym because he's obviously really Dr. Jekyll.

All these guys come together and bicker and fight a lot like people do in all these reality TV programs. But eventually they learn how to work together and kick the living crap out of the bad guys. As it turns out, that's something they're really good at, so I think all along this was moving toward the group becoming a superhero team, you know, like the Justice League of America, only not quite as professional. Cap, that's what they call the Uncle Sam guy, is like the leader or something and tells everyone what to do; Iron-Man, the former Templar Knight-turned-alcoholic billionaire, is the smart guy with all the gadgets; Black Widow is the tough chick who knows how to get stuff done; the former rock star--Thor, they call him--he's just your standard, kick-ass warrior with a big hammer (no double entrendre intended); Hawkeye, the archer, is the scout/ranged attacker, the eyes of the team; Hulk, Banner's pea-green Hyde, just breaks things, apparently--whenever they want something broken, they say, "Hulk, smash," and he does. The patch-eye guy, Fury, is their boss or something. I never saw them get paid for what they did, so I have to assume they all have offshore accounts and money is wired electronically. And I'm not really sure who's going to pay to rebuild New York City because they trashed the whole damned thing, but good, well, Manhattan, anyway.

In the end, everyone's happy and able to sit down to enjoy a quiet meal together. The lesson of the whole movie is this: No matter what our differences, we're all in this together and we have to learn to get along. For the most part, anyway.